Halloween is coveted for its coven of candy, and I believe it’s my sacred duty to rank the sweet treats you’re likely to come across. How else will you know which neighbors to keep talking to and which ones must secretly hate you?
20. Smarties
Smarties feel like (and probably are) a vestigial candy from the rationing days of WW2. They appear to be made of leftover sugar, flavoring and prayers for our boys to return home safely. Vintage vibes and O.G. status earned these glorified breath mints a spot on the list. No disrespect–Smarties walked so Warheads could run.
19. Twizzlers
I’m sure your childhood wasn’t troubled. You’re doing great. But if you see Twizzlers as a “fun find” in your candy bag, I’m going to start questioning your upbringing. Please seek help.
18. Almond Joy
This is a controversial candy. Coconut somehow wedged itself into the candy world as some alternative pulpy filler to replace nougat or caramel. Real fruit, like coconut, has no place in Halloween candy. Also, what’s the deal with that one almond in the middle? It’s the only enjoyable part of that candy and you’re only going to give me one?!
17. Nerds – a Haiku
Little candy box
With fun crunchy sugar lumps
What does Nerds even mean?
16. Tootsie Rolls
Avoid the large ones. Or old ones. Your teeth will thank you.
15. Milk Duds
It’s right there in the name–they’re a dud. This stone-shaped lump seems so promising at first. The rattle of potential sweet goodness within that fun cardboard box piques the senses. Then you take a bite and start chewing. Then you keep chewing. And chewing and chewing and chewing. It’s never-ending. Yet I keep trying them every year.
14. 100 Grand Bar
What are you? Seriously, without researching anything, can you tell me off the top of your dome what comprises a 100 Grand Bar?
13. Whoppers
The name inspires high expectations in this old-school chocolate candy. But they’re fine. You know? Teen icon Chastity Church wonders in the ’90s classic Ten Things I Hate About You, “I know you can be underwhelmed and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?” And, I believe, Whoppers are the candy equivalent of just being whelmed.
12. Hershey Bar
Classic candy. Check. No notes.
11. Butterfinger
Aside from being Bart Simpson’s favorite, the Butterfinger really shouldn’t work. It’s inexplicably hard to bite into, crumbly, messy and borderline too sweet. But gosh darn it, if it isn’t also just delightful! Silky (once you finally get a bite) and a welcome variation on the chocolate peanut butter duo. Also my preferred fro-yo topping.
10. Sour Patch Kids
Confession: I’m not much of a sour or gummy candy person. I like them. I’ll eat them. I don’t crave them. But game recognize game. I understand the Sour Patch is a heavy hitter in the candy biz and I would be remiss for not mentioning them or ranking them high on this list. I’ll let the Amazon review section speak for itself.
9. M&Ms
Seeing a bag of regular M&Ms in your candy bucket is like seeing one of your good friends at a party where you thought you knew no one. You feel relieved and supported–you’re not alone, and they’re reliable enough to make this party a decent time. Now is this your BEST friend who makes this whole thing pop off? No. Plain M&Ms are just a solid good friend who will not let you down.
8. 3 Musketeers
Let’s position the 3 Musketeers against the other stalwart chocolate-based candy bar options available on All Hallows Eve. Does it satisfy and delight with its complexity like a Snickers or Milky Way might? No. But does it offer a no-nonsense alternative to the chaotic alternatives? Yes! It’s smooth, simple and easy to chew.
7. Skittles
Let’s ignore the fact that California banned Skittles. Those little pellets of fruity goodness are pure joy in a bag. And this is the rare instance where the Halloween fun size is actually the perfect portion. Each Skittle offers a perfect trifecta of texture, bursting flavor and variety. Honorable mention: Tropical Skittles.
6. Kit Kats
Give me a break, the Kit Kat is underrated. I mean, maybe people secretly love it and aren’t telling me. But the Kit Kat wins the tactile crunch game. The joy lies in the break–splitting apart the bars, the crisp of the wafer crunch, the ability to bite off layers like a meticulous squirrel. Can’t be beat.
5. Milky Way
If Snickers is King, then Milky Way is prince.
4. Twix
Twix feels most like the naughty candy I shouldn’t be having. Is it the gold wrapping? The fact there are TWO? The stringiest caramel to ever caramel? The small Halloween packs are the perfect, rare opportunity to succumb to indulgence. Thank you for existing, Twix.
3. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
A near-perfect specimen of a candy. Pros: Peanut butter coated by a protective layer of chocolate, all delivered in an easy-to-consume vessel. Cons: quick to melt and stick to that (suspiciously sweaty) waxy wrapper.
2. Snickers
A fun-size Snickers is the perfect Halloween candy. Its artisan blend of nougat, peanuts, caramel and chocolate is a powerhouse combination to fuel you through your mischievous night. A perfect bite in any size, the Snickers is a million-dollar treat on a one-dollar budget.
1. Peanut M&Ms
The peanut M&M – how I love thee. Your yellow wrapper flashes like a lighthouse to a weary traveler. You offer peace. A peanut encased in smooth chocolate and candy coating crunches like the soft forest floor underneath your foot as you hike during a light rainfall. Bliss is a Peanut M&M.
This is all just one man’s opinion. I’m not saying it’s correct, but it is near perfect and your arguments against it will be hard fought. We take candy seriously here at the Dog. And you should too.
Oh yeah, and if you need something printed, designed, or marketed – let’s hear your big idea.
by YellowDog.